I've recently settled back into my life in Berkeley, and I find myself constantly yearning for something that has passed, that no longer exists. I want to go away again. But I'm stuck here. Stuck, in this little town full of humans who run around in circles screaming out their accomplishments, hoping for someone to hear them. How many achievements must I check off before I am worthy of your time? I truly believe this is the mindset of the Berkeley Human. It's a tragic thought, really!
And every day, on my straight-shot walk to campus, I observe these people, unable to comprehend how I may have once been like them too. Every day I am here however, I find myself nearing the edge of that pit of confusion and insecurity where I once lay so helplessly. I need to keep checking myself and reaffirming my personhood, or I will indeed slip on that mossy edge and fall, fall, fall.
So, thinking of my personhood -- or who I really am -- I was brought back to a little collaborative video project I did with the most-talented Maddy Pease. We were on the same program together in London and Paris, yet never really got to spend much time getting to know each other. Everything I knew about this woman was that she always made the class roar with laughter, she combined patterns and colours effortlessly, and she made everyone feel so special. I wanted to know her, but I'm too much of a loner to initiate anything these days. So thank goodness she came up to me first! She asked me if I wanted to collaborate with her on a video project, and I accepted.
Maddy's interpretation of me is beautiful, sunny, full of life, and kind of magical. Maybe it's the version of myself i'd like for others to see, maybe it's really who I am when the darkness of Berkeley engulfs my soul and spirit. I definitely wandered through some vulnerable spots in my mind when she sat me down and interviewed me, having to take a look at myself through the lens of an outsider. The seconds-long clips each capture an element of my being -- answering the ever-persistent question: Who Am I? It doesn't need to be a list of accomplishments, niche music I listen to, or any exterior embellishments that only seem to serve as cover-ups for deeply-rooted insecurities. These are merely stripped elements of a still-developing person.
And so, sitting here in Berkeley, I can think back to this project and be swept back into the mindset of what actually makes me, myself. It's difficult when you're surrounded by an unending pressure to fit in a box of uncomplicated academic excellence. I know I do not fit in this box, and with time I think I will come to accept this, and really be able to sit comfortably in my person.
I also made sure to ask Maddy about her feelings on the piece, and her response was unsurprisingly, brilliant:
"My dad has always told me I am old soul & maybe that’s why adding vintage effects to my work brings me joy. There’s something really special about learning the distinct quirks to a person - and when I worked with Brianna I really tried to see her. We talked about what she sees when she’s about to pass out, we talked about the brain tattoo on her arm, but most importantly we discussed identity. She shared her relationship with being mixed-race and the duality that comes with it — and I tried to capture that in my video. A lot of my work plays with womanhood and the struggles, blessings, joys, and everything in between that comes with it. I communicate with color because it has always infatuated me. I don’t limit myself to one genre of work; I think I always want to be changing what I’m doing to keep my work exciting."
Maddy Pease is a design student at UCLA.
Her hobbies include: *making zines *discovering the best homemade ranch *flower hunting *color experimenting *learning a new skill with my hands
She's most proud of: *maddy’s first sticker pack available in the ios app store made with xcode + photoshop *calle del mar ‘locals’ found on calledelmar.us under ‘locals’ *fem newsmag print magazines found on issuu.com by searching fem newsmagazine *redbubble designs found by searching ‘maddy pease’ on redbubble.com
xx